it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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