You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
