I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
