I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize