i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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