my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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