I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
