Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
