I feel great
I just peed on a car
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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