I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Couch. On fire.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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