she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
