yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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