My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
