I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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