you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
