Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
