That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize