i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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