birth control should be required to get into college
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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