Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
