Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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