you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize