Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My breasts were aching with rage.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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