so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
