it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
