I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
