I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize