i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Randomize
