i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
