you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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