when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
