also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
