Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
