My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
