why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
