She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
