I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i will never coherently bang her
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
