There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize