I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
