Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
The best revenge is premature balding
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
