Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
