dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i believe in u and ur pee
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