Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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