"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize