I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
