I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
