I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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