Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
