If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Watching her eat just hurts me
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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