also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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