I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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