I puked a lego.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
