don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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