Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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