My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she told me i tasted like america
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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