I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
