I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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