I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he puts the penis in happiness.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize