He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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