i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
This baby is an asshole
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
