Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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