I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
