My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
