Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Panties = found
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
